He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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