You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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