god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
