Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
