its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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