Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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