he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize