Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My feet surprised me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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