For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
