my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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