I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
