I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
