Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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