she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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