I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize
