I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize