if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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