Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize