I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Randomize