420 ftw
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
