everyone is single if you try hard enough
i can't believe i had my finger in that
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Of course I have a pirate flag
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
