Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
