...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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