none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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