It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
