____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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