): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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