1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize