A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Randomize
