I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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