Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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