My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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