I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
