I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
