I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
