At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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