I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
