Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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