im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
