I CAN MOONWALK!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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