My Higher Power is John Stamos
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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