I wish you could order shots online.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize