He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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