Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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