im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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