umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
