from now on my penis is your penis
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
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