I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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