I'm so fucking centered right now
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
