I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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