You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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