i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
