I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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