How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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