The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
