I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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