last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
