some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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