Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
