GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
