More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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