I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
