imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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