I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
